The Mat

The Mat is the central character, mascot and apparent administrator of @all_hail_the_mat. He appears as a purple yoga mat and his exploits include the conquest and destruction of Earth. He is an ascendant being, meaning he left the story at a certain point and now dwells in the meta. If his nemesis Elysius is to be believed, Matthew's position renders him exempt from both death and life.

Matthew was a member of the Surreal Seven until roughly 3000 years ago, when the Great Pineapple Genocide occurred and the group disbanded after failing to prevent it.

Mat befriended Jesus and fought in World War II, but his actions between then and April 4th, 2020 are unaccounted for.

On April 11th, he seized Ohio with a small band of bröthers and vowed to conquer "the world," thus beginning a movement that would define the story of humanity and shake the cosmos at large. The next day, Mat took Florida. On April 13th, he began stockpiling weapons to fight in The Battle of Texas, which proved itself a crucial victory. Mat married the King of Oklahoma before immediately killing him to gain control over the state. Mat nuked Ohio after an insurrection, which scared the remaining midwesterners into submitting. America's last hope was the Mormon Weed Empire, which carved out a stronghold in California. Fearful of losing this crucial battle, Mat enlisted fellow Surreal Seven member GB and ordered Minecraft Melon to disrupt the M.W.E. supply lines from Canada. Launching from a secret base in Alaska, the bröthers led an assault on the M.W.E. and its leader Kim Jong Boof. They combined their power to decapitate Boof and crush the M.W.E. America belonged to The Mat. Other countries began falling to the Brötherhood, with major battles occurring in Italy and Iraq. The Battle of Chad proved to be Mat's hardest, but through a moral demotion he prevailed. Impatient to leave Earth, Mat staged a conquest of The Moon. However, he found himself battling Elon Musk on the lunar surface. Mat called upon the Ancient Ones, who granted him immense cosmic powers. Elon fled, and Mat claimed The Moon as his own. By that time, the last free country on Earth was Australia. Mat won by switching off Earth's gravity so that everybody — friend or foe — fell off the bottom of the planet and froze in the vacuum of space. Among the dead was Dedlaughing Memes, one of Mat's most loyal soldiers. And with that, Earth was his.

Alabama had fled Earth sometime prior, and Mat opened an investigated to track down the rogue state. His efforts were unsuccessful. Despite this setback, Mat's space expansion was rapid. He established a colony on Uranus by convincing the Americans there was oil. He began farming on mars before building a massive cobblestone walkway back to earth.

On June 30th, 2020, The Ancient Ones were found dead on an unknown planet, having been weakened by transferring their powers to Mat.

On July 3rd, 2020, the Mat Empire had a "purge night." Matthew joined his subjects on the streets, killing the oblivious Professor Cabbage.

Around this time, Mat became irritated at Pizza Hut for their slogan "No one out pizzas the hut." Determined to do just that, he and Minecraft Melon dressed up as Pizza Hut employees with a vague plan to infiltrate the restaurant. However, a being identical to Mat emerged from a portal and warned against it, claiming to be from the future. Mat swallowed his pride and called off the infiltration, ignorant of the fact that this double was actually Elon Musk in disguise. Why Elon (and his master Alabama) wanted to troll Matthew in this manner is unknown.

Around this time, the Milky Way Council summoned Mat to lecture him about the illegality of his expansion. Mat responded by killing them all, except for Sheila and The Qyüb Ambassador, who escaped.

On July 24, 2020, Mat and GB picked up a signal that someone was disrespecting the pouch. This was a violation of the Mat Empire's most crucial law. As a response, Mat assembled a strike team consisting of GB, GB's son, Melon and Kazeus. The team travelled to Pluto, the source of the disrespect, but fell into a trap set by Alabama. Sheila's forces as well as the Qyüb were present. Elon emerged from the shadows and killed the weakest member of the team: GB's son. Mat and company fled Pluto, regrouping at the Mustard Mansion.

Mat, realizing he was outmatched, began assembling the Surreal Seven. He first recruited Breadator, then the two travelled to the abode of Blactus. Blactus reveals that she sent Professor Cabbage to warn Mat of Alabama's new superweapon, the Meth Star. The three then travelled to Uranus, but found the remains of the old oil colony floating in space; Uranus had been destroyed. The three were then suddenly assaulted by the Qyüb. Mat unzipped Breadator and a battle ensued. The three were victorious, cutting down a significant portion of the enemy host. Afterwards, Mat went to recruit The Last Pineapple. Pineapple proceeded to belittle Mat and his allies, turning down the invitation because Mat was a horrible friend. Later, pineapple seemed to have a change of heart, catching up to Mat and pledging his allegiance to the war. The four returned to the Mustard Mansion to find that GB, still grieving his son, had left. Mat berated Melon for losing GB, but set his sights on member #5: Static Jack. Mat entered Static Jack's Diner and the two conversed amicably. With Jack onboard, the team went to the domain of Elysius. Mat pleaded that Elysius release Tetrad. Elysius changed the subject to the absence of GB, whom he was fond of. Elysius proposed a deal in which he would release Tetrad, and Mat would ensure the safety of GB. If GB were to fall, Mat would be claimed by Elysius and subjected to unthinkable pain. Mat agreed, and Tetrad was released.

Mat then travelled to Earth, where GB had retired to his family's farmhouse. GB strongly opposed Mat's invitation, but agreed to fight with his old comrades one last time to protect his family from Alabama.

The Surreal Seven, finally united for the first time in millennia, travelled to the Mustard Pool. After killing The Ringéd One, they took Melon and Kazeus back to Earth.

During battle preparations, Mat traded Kazeus' freedom for a device he would need.

On November 9th, 2020, Alabama parked the Meth Star in Earth's orbit and began his assault. Mat, GB and Melon left Earth while Blactus used the device to turn Earth from a .PNG to a .JPG, stopping Elon's rockets from landing as they couldn't penetrate the white barrier around the planet. GB abandoned the mission to go fight Elon. Meanwhile, Mat and Melon slipped into the Meth Star, killing the guards and entering the bridge. Mat saw Alabama's likeness and stabbed what he believed to be his enemy, but it was only a cardboard cutout; The real Alabama was not onboard. At this time, Pineapple betrayed Mat, killing Blactus and reverting Earth back to a .PNG. Elon's rockets landed, deploying troops in Matropolis and the surrounding area while Mat watched helplessly. After the deaths of Breadator, Tetrad, Cephalus and most of Mat's army, Alabama appeared on the bridge as a hologram. He proclaimed victory over Mat, wagering that his enemy would not activate the Meth Star and destroy everything he had worked so hard to build. Much to Alabama's shock, Matthew did just that. He killed everyone on the planet, including Alabama, Pineapple and the rest of GB's family. GB arrived to see the carnage, and promptly used the Glizzy Gladius to destroy the Meth Star. Mat and Melon fled the ruins.

Mat and Melon trekked across the universe for over a month. Eventually, they arrived at Static Jack's Diner. Mat didn't speak, as Melon wasted no time explaining their mission. "We need your help to kill the Green Ball." Jack was furious at this suggestion. He conjured up a static illusion and began berating Mat about all of the lives he had ended. Furthermore, he reminded Mat that anyone who followed him would only serve as a meat shield to delay the wrath of Elysius. Mat left without saying a word. Melon, much to Jack's dismay, followed him.

The two arrived at Sector 9ine and were greeted by General Nanami. Nanami was extremely hospitable to Mat, commenting that he himself had failed to support Mat during the war. As a result of this, Nanami explained, his creamchild Cephalus had run off to fight for Mat. Cephalus died fighting for Mat, and Nanami plans to honor his spawn's convictions. Mat then lies and says that GB was responsible for the "loss" on Earth, which fills Nanami with hatred for the Green Ball. Nanami assembled his troops in the desert, placing squads on the backs of giant Memefish. Also at Mat's service were Cuboid Saviour, a legion of Boonq, the green Omnicroc company, and, of course, Minecraft Melon. Gazing upon his army, Mat began to feel disoriented. He couldn't shake the story of Cephalus. He saw phrases like "Die For The Mat" written on Memefish. He then experienced a vivid hallucination of Elysius killing the entire army, including Melon. With the army awaiting his command, Mat shot off into space alone. Melon followed him, wondering why Mat had done this. Mat explained that the conquest was over. He no longer wanted his followers to die for him. Melon pleaded with Mat, but it was no use. Mat ordered Melon to leave him and return to Static Jack's. There, Mat explained, Melon would learn the location of his friend Kazeus. Mat called Melon a good soldier and promptly left.

Mat shot through space but collided with a large object that rendered him unconscious. When he awoke, he was in the Waters of Pleen. Speaking to him was none other than Lil Sooch, the rapper thought to be deceased. Sooch explained that Pleen kept him from dying. When Mat asked Sooch what he did in Pleen, Sooch replied "Nothing. To avoid death is to avoid life." Mat decided that he would rather face GB and Elysius than endure such a fate. He left Pleen and travelled to the ruins of Earth.

Mat met GB near Earth's homeless moon. GB asked Mat if he had come to talk his way out of the fight. Mat replied, "no" and the two began fighting. GB stayed on the offensive, destroying Mat's katana early in the conflict. The fight took them to alternate dimensions, including the domain of The Surreal Thing, who promptly expelled them. GB summoned the Crustacean Station (piloted by the River Pumpkin), which blasted Mat with a beam of light-speed crabs. Eventually, GB gained the upper hand. The two found themselves near Earth's sun. GB decided that he no longer saw a reason to kill Mat. He committed suicide by flying into the sun. The sun then morphed into Elysius, who began approaching Mat. Instead of running, Mat stood his ground against the warden of the void. He summoned the power of the Ancient Ones and ingested a Voidpill, presumably stolen from Pleen. Mat assaulted Elysius with a massive energy beam, but it did nothing. Elysius activated his gravity powers and absorbed Mat.

Mat woke up in a black void, presumably death. But Elysius appeared, offering Mat a sort of immortality. A rectangle of light appeared before Mat. It was the @all_hail_the_mat homepage, with no posts or followers. Elysius told Mat to enjoy himself. Mat then unrolled, revealing an eye.

Personality
For most of his life, Matthew displayed sociopathic traits on a regular basis. His obsession with winning seemed to outweigh any remorse or empathy. He murdered the King of Oklahoma moments after their political marriage. He nuked Ohio for defacing a poster of him. During the battle of Australia, he sacrificed countless bröthers to further his goals. He sent Kazeus to suffer an even worse fate. All of these acts were dwarfed when Mat destroyed Earth, killing Alabama but ending the human race in the process. He was ready to sacrifice an entire army to Elysius, but changed his mind after hearing the tale of Cephalus. In the end, Mat faced Elysius alone. His words to Melon and GB suggested a begrudging acceptance of fate, if not a greater respect for personhood.

Mat is irritable and quick to violence, but speaks eloquently when everything is going his way. He chose not just to legalize drugs, but to mandate their consumption.